What Light Lingers?
by LuvEwan
Summary: En route to Geonosis, Anakin Skywalker considers all that he has lost--and what more he may lose in the darkly looming future. Complete.


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What Light Lingers?

Written by LuvEwan

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.

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En route to Geonosis, Anakin Skywalker considers all that he has lost--and what more he may lose in the darkly looming future. Complete.

Main Characters: Anakin Skywalker

Secondary Characters: Padme Amidala

Man, who the heck has taken over my brain? I've actually been rolling around this vignette idea for a _long _time, but never began it for fear of, well, writing it very wrong. If you haven't noticed, Anakin Skywalker has never been my writing forte!

Black.

Staring out into the void, I almost think I've traipsed between dream and reality, that I'm standing in a haze. Space is a pall that stretches out beyond the limits of human periphery, thick darkness littered with spots of quivering white radiance. I remember waiting for the flame-tailed burst of molten color that would sometimes ignite in the night sky. A shooting star. It would last only an instant, a blink of brilliance soon enveloped in the dark.

But I always remembered them. In a world of shackled dreams, they were something that transcended control. A sharp word from a master could not halt them in their blazing descent. Brief, burning freedom, and the exhilaration rushed breathless through my body.

It was a few years before I asked where those beautifully luminous spheres were headed--and I'll never stop regretting my incessant childhood curiosity. Because now, I wish I would have left that mystery untouched,a little spot of intrigue in cold black heavens.

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'They fall to the earth, Ani." A soft touch brushed across my forehead, a gentle smile soothing through my mind. "They burn out. It's their time to rest."

I reach out my hand to the slick window frame and watch the delicate pulse of the stars as the transport sweeps toward Geonosis. "Was it your time to rest, mom?" It's barely a whisper, scraped from my throat. I see my fingers tremble against steel and the warm orange light from the glow rods seems to suck into the recesses, leaving me in a pocket of chilled gray shadow. I lean forward, to rest my head against that hand…I press it there hard. "But how could it've been?"

No. I _can't _break down again. It was bad enough, on Tatooine. I tried with everything I had to withstand the wrenching ghost calls of that place, the Lars farm. I could scarcely turn a corner without a reminder of mom in the ornately stitched quilts, the stacks of recipes and the framed scraps of art, some left over from our hovel. Our home.

This fluorescent, sleek ship in no way resembles our home. So _why _do I still feel like I'm there, trapped behind the prison bars of sand and rust--alone?

"Ani?"

The voice is soft, barely penetrating the layers webbed around me. To anyone else, I would scream to go away, to leave me to the anger, the outrage. And, beneath all else, the despair.

But this is Padme.

I turn around. She still has the power to steal the breath from my lungs, but there are other things that wrap around my neck, cruel, cold fingers that throttle and choke me. "Y--" I swallow, "Yeah?"

She purses her lips, then "Are you alright?"

Standing there in a pool of burnished amber, white fabric clinging smoothly to her body and silken hair pulled back from her face, she is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. _I always knew you were an angel. _The thought materializes like a comfort, like touching on a safe memory, but I can't say it aloud. Not now.

"Thank you." I whisper instead. "Thank you for your courage. If you hadn't--"

"It's okay, Ani." Padme moves slowly, with silent grace, to stand bare inches from me. This close, I can hear her heart beat, pure and strong, within the Force. Amid the density and emptiness of space, she is _all _I can feel.

For half of my life, I couldn't say that. However intense her presence was in my mind, my soul, Obi-Wan was there too. Steady. Unfailingly reliable.

But at this moment, that part of me is fixed in a void. I can't hear that faint murmur of his spirit, bound to me. He is lost. Whether for another hour or a day, Obi-Wan is gone from me. And a wicked notion has already snaked into my awareness, thrilled to venomous life: What if he's just _gone_?

I feel a hand fall to my arm. "We'll be there soon."

I look down at her, drinking in the stirring of a smile on her glossed lips. I see beyond her, past the ship, through the dark stretch that separates me from Obi-Wan. "But will it be soon enough?"

The palest of shadows flits across her eyes. "We have to believe it will."

An eruption within me, as something rages against platitudes, the meaningless words stringing along the dark , the mantras used to soothe what cannot be easily tempered. Anecdotes and proverbs, passing from her lips, passing from the collective mouth of the Order.

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There is no fear. There is no anger.

Dreams pass in time.

And so, we have to 'believe' our haste will be enough to save him. I have to be assured that we're hurdling towards a safe salvation for Obi-Wan.

But what if the demons clawing at my head, whispering in my ears…what if they're right? What if he was gone before take-off?

A hideous dawning in my heart, twisting in my stomach.

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What if he's gone and my last thoughts of him were… I seal my eyes for a second, willing the morbid terror to drain from my awareness. My immediate awareness, anyway.

When they open again, she's reaching for my hand. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"About what?" It fumbles out in a rasp, but I try to be nonchalant. Her question is a broad one. For the voices in my mind, there's been _plenty _to talk about.

Padme entwines her fingers with mine. "Come here." She murmurs.

We sit on the platform that leads up to the controls, side by side, our knees brushing together, our hands in a tangle. For awhile, there is silence, and the memories, the unbridled fear, seems to drip viscous from the ship's pores.

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Ragged lacerations and welts. A beloved face, the face of childhood and security, defiled, blistered…The monsters were cruel to even leave that much, that much that I could see her through the battered mask, could feel her eyes on me. Bright with pain. And then, when that faded…her focus going slack like her body…

My muscles strain as I hold in the agony again. _'It's their time to rest.'_ But she was already granted her release! The chains were thrown, she was _free_. Our lives were finally in balance. She had the love of a family. It wasn't with me, _I _wasn't with her.

But we had each other, in spirit.

What now? Where will I turn now, when the cold creeps in?

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Obi-Wan. The name seems a weapon, once used in protection, that has turned and impaled my flesh. _Obi-Wan. Will I find you the same? Will I have to wrap you in my robe and carry you to your grave?_

"You have to trust in your Master, Anakin. He's strong." Padme's whisper draws me half-way from the murkiness, and I want to be able to cling to it. I want to be lifted from this hell--if only I knew I wouldn't be flung back into it again.

I look at her, and it comes to me that I have known her before I ever knew Obi-Wan, really. And she's known him longer than she's known me. _So she might be right. Force, let her be right. _Maybe I sound like a kid standing in the sandstorm, trying to rationalize the maelstrom swirling around me. Right now, I don't care.

"He survived the first encounter with a Sith the Jedi have seen in centuries." She says, and then smiles softly. "He's survived _you_ all these years. What can't he face?"

I find I cannot match that luminous smile. "No Jedi is immortal. Some things…they can conquer a man as strong as Obi-Wan. He's--" I inhale, "He's come close before."

She doesn't have words to combat that thought; she just leans against me, running her hand down my arm.

In the stillness is where the evil springs, my Master has said. When you can hear the antennae rub, the walls creak, your own blood boiling in its veins.

That is when the dark of the soul rises from shadow, to bring its own sort of ugly light.

"What would he say? What if he knew what I…what I _did_?" I turn to Padme. "What if it doesn't matter what happens next and he--he banishes me?"

"Ani." It's spoken tenderly, almost an endearment. A warmth is kindled like liquid bronze in her eyes. "Don't say that. You weren't in your right mind. Obi-Wan would understand that."

"I killed in anger."

"And from love."

I can't deny that. But once the dust had settled, shouldn't there have been revulsion? Looking down at the mess of charred corpse and stinking smoke, shouldn't I have felt some semblance of regret?

By now, shouldn't I be sorry, for the lives I claimed out of anger…even out of love?

"I would do it again." I whisper the admittance. "I would do it again, for him. If someone has hurt him," And the fury is spiking inside, beginning the quiver in my lips, "I won't let those responsible go without justice."

Her palm is cool against my cheek. "In the end, the wicked are served their justice. But it doesn't have to be served by you, Ani."

I lean into her hand, letting a thousand yesterdays drift past my mind's eye. "The Sith killed Master Qui-Gon. And Master Obi-Wan killed the Sith. In his weaker moments, I've heard him dreaming." I gather her hand, pulling it back from my face so that I can look at her. I've never told anyone what I will tell her, because I've never cared for someone the way I care for her. "And he dreams of that moment. Maybe because he knows he killed out of anger, and because he knows he can't lament that."

Lines appear at her forehead. "How can you know that?"

"Because those who would kill Master Qui-Gon or…or my mother, or Obi-Wan don't deserve to be mourned by _anyone_." My breaths have quickened and grown heavy, "Why should they be saved in the first place? If they steal my Master from me, a good man who has given my everything?"

"It isn't to spare _them_, Ani. It isn't to save _them._" She closes her eyes and her mouth is near my ear. "It's to save _you._"

"In the end, my salvation wouldn't be an issue. My heart is with mom, with Obi-Wan-with you." The last is said with the traces of vulnerability, desperation, "And if I was ever to lose you, Padme, you and my Master…" I shake my head, "My heart would be gone. There wouldn't be anything left to save."

She's staring at me now, with those eyes that can at the same moment fill with luster and a protective, glinting hardness. "You make things very difficult, Anakin. Seeing you now, hearing what you've said…" A helpless smile flickers, soon replaced by piercing melancholy. "We're walking at the edge of our own destruction."

Every second echoes with consequence. But my hand still outstretches, to trace the perfect lines of her face. A tremble starts beneath my touch, but neither of us possess the power to move. "This has been the worst time of my life. I've lost…I've lost my mom. And there's a chance I'll lose Obi-Wan, too." Tears well warm in my eyes. "I've lived a nightmare during this mission.

"But you've been beside me with each step, no matter where it's taken me. You know about what happened on Tatooine," I swallow hard, "And now here you are, beside me again. If Obi-Wan is saved, it will be because of you. I owe you more than I can say, Padme."

She is silent, her gaze stilled on my face, then "You owe me no more than I owe you, Ani. But to each other, we at least owe this: You _are _strong. Your heart must withstand the darkness. I _never_ want to be the cause of that ultimate pain."

We embrace, the passion at our surface, but the foreboding everywhere else.

And in each other's arms we remain, long after the tears have dried and the compulsion has faded. I feel I can anything and it will be accepted…that _I _will be accepted and ushered into the warmth of her compassion. "I wish I would never've said what I said--about Obi-Wan."

She strokes my hair. "I know."

My cheek is against her neck; I feel the heat. "I love him. More than I think I can even comprehend. I know I haven't been an easy student, but that hasn't stopped him. He's never run from me."

"And he never would."

I smile, hoping at my core, I truly believe that, and it isn't the emotional stress of the moment. "He's been my family. My brother, my father. My teacher and mentor. My friend, when no one else will be. Even when I've been wrong…" The words are taken from me in a weak gasp, "And I've cursed him for holding me back."

Her arms are suddenly tighter around me. "You were just frustrated, Ani. We've all said things we didn't mean. It doesn't make you a bad person. You care about the people in your life and _that is_ what matters. The rest just…falls away from your soul, in the end."

Falls away. It seems my very life is falling away, piece by piece. Person by person. All the goodness of mom, the guidance and Light of Obi-Wan.

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What happens when ALL the light has burned out, all the stars sink?

That's when the evil springs.


End file.
